Thursday, February 28, 2008

Candidates Lay Out Baseball Allegiances

In a brilliant stroke of incisive reporting, if I must say so myself, my journalistic work has revealed the baseball logyalties of the various presidential candidates. The results may come as a surprise to some, while others will have their darkest suspicions confirmed.

Barack Obama: "I believe in hope. It's been a century since the Cubs won a World Series. People....the time is NOW!"

Hillary Clinton: "I'm a New York Yankees fan. Like the Yankees, I have been there, in the thick of the fight, winning the World Series. They can make things happen, and so can I! Plus, they're owned by a billionaire who might contribute to my campaign."

John McCain: " As a humble Senator from the great state of Arizona, I support the Arizona Diamondbacks. True, it's torture to watch them. But I know about torture. That's why, ladies and gentlemen, I will make a great president and commander in chief. Plus, I like chili dogs. What food is more American than chili dogs?"

Mike Huckabee: "Baseball is wrong for America. God does NOT support baseball, especially the Chicago Cubs. Baseball is NOT mentioned in the Holy Bible. When I talk to God, HE does not like baseball. As president, one of my first acts would be to eliminate the sinful game of baseball. I think arena football is the way to go. And I'm not afraid to say it in the eyss of the American people and in the eyes of the LORD"

Ralph Nader: "People, the Milwaukee Braves never should have moved to Atlanta. This was just plain wrong and I want to make it clear that I am the only candidate who will say this. You will not hear it from the other candidates who have strong, murky ties to professional baseball. But it needs to be part of the debate. Hey, I like bowling and I hate to see it sullied by candidates who wont' listen to the millions of Americans who love bowling. I read recently that attendance in the venerable American institution, the bowling league, are down. Now, they are getting their bowling shirts from overseas, taking jobs from hard-working Americans as well. This is symptomatic of what's wrong with America. Baseball? We need to focus.................

There you have it. This is stuff you won't see on CNN. But it's an important choice and we, the American people, must have all the information when we enter the polling booth this November. There's a lot on the line!

1 comment:

Ed said...

Baseball and chili dogs are abominations unto Nuggan. Nuggan only smiles upon mud-wrestling and the tossing of the caber.