Bush: “We must act now to stop Bob from acquiring nukear weapons!”

In a solemn Rose Garden press conference today, President Bush verified speculation that strong action was needed to stop Bob, a long-time resident of Madison’s near east side, from acquiring nuclear weapons. “Our intelligence sources have confirmed that Bob leaves his outside lights on all night and that the intensity of these lights could only be produced by a nukear reactor.” In a rambling 35 minute speech, Bush reminded people of the consequences of doing nothing: “A nuclear weapon in the hands of Bob would allow him to control the entire East Side of Madison”. Strong sanctions were being requested through the UN which would block Bob from shopping at the Willy St Coop or the Jenifer St Market.

Mr Bush backed up his plan with strong accusations: “Bob has repeatedly and aggressively walked his dog in the park off leash, refused to use hand signals on his bike, kept his nuclear powered lights on all night and put in some very tacky flower beds. He is a danger and must be stopped”.

Sources in the administration, who asked not to be identified, have disclosed that Bush authorized a secret raid by Navy Seals deep into Bob’s basement. They found some kind of white powder in a box and a big white machine that swishes around for a while after the white powder goes in right next to a machine which dries the uranium powder, obviously a centrifuge for producing weapons-grade uranium. “A nightmare”, said the source.

Another source revealed a Bush administration plan to bomb selected targets on Bob’s property including his garage, the outdoor lights, the tacky flower beds and a bunker buster bomb for the uranium enriching facility in the basement. Another target on the list was the kitchen. “No more omelet’s for Bob”, the source remarked with a chuckle. The bathrooms were removed from the target list because “that would make a mess”, according to another source.

Reached for comment in Latvia, where she was doing something, Condi Rice added that Bob “is known for his anti-Israel stance”. He’s been overheard referring to the Israeli government as “poo poo heads”. “The Bomb in his hands could mean the destruction of Israel”, Dr Rice stated.

Bob has been given 48 hours to respond, but so far hasn’t answered the phone, which worries intelligence officials for some reason.

“Remember, said Mr Bush, “It’s not nukear weapons that kill people, it’s people with nukear weapons that kill people. That’s why Bob must be stopped. Now”.